Friday, February 13th was a fucking totally full out drooling everywhere trying to bite their own ear off retarded day for this kid at work. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it made perfect sense to catch the Michael Bay Remake (rebayke if you will) of Friday the 13th.
It wasn't the oh so scary date that made sense to catch that shit but the total retardation. The only credit I give Bay is for having a hand in Bad Boys 1&2. That's it! I don't think I've ever laughed so hard and been so confused/disgusted at what I was witnessing before my eyes. And i've seen a terrabyte's worth of fucking totally wack chi shit (onscreen AND in the real world).
Take the cliche jibs of 'Can't Hardly Wait' mix it with the script writers of Dumb and Dumberer trying to pull of their best attempt at Kevin Smith/Judd Apatow humour, throw in some pretty decent kill shots (that totally pose some questions....Jason is also a fucking hawkeye of an archer?) up the ante on the obligatory gratuitous nudity (is there such a thing as too much tit?) combine it with a ton of bong fuelled tard shit from YouTube and you ALMOST have an idea of what you're in for. To sum it up: shit was too damn ridiculous even for a Friday movie. I don't really include Jason X and Freddy vs Jason as part of the series. To me, this shit is to the franchise as to what Halloween 3 was to the series.
I'm just waiting for Bay to remake a Halloween where Meyers totally shanks some skank from behind with a Wii nunchuck all the way thru her chest and then continues to lead that chump Liugi to MarioKart victory.
I should have watched the remake of the Hitcher and THEN go check this shit out. Then I would have been mad stoked.
The best lines in the movie (which also prepare you for what's in store) are the following:
"your tits are stupendous"
"you have perfect nipple placement"
"your tits are just so fucking juicy dude"
While I acknowledge this is a remake (mistake) and of course there is the 'it's trying to be it's own movie' bullshit, there is also the 'i want to tell a story that is reworked but gives credit to the original and keeps old and new fans alike entertained' bullshit. Even then this kid has some worthy (and at times Rotten Tomatoes douche style) comments/questions:
joshua-psychoj87
1. Dialogue/acting was just terrible
"Your tits are stupendous"
"You have perfect nipple placement"
"Where are you gun?"
"I killed them all!"
"Go back to hell and tell mommy hi" (something along those lines)
2. Apparently Jason digs tunnels in his spare time when not killing?
3. After knowing a group of teenagers mysteriously vanished a month and a half ago, I'm going to take a group of my friends to the same area - yeah that's smart.
4. Jason takes captives now? WTF?
5. How did Jason feed said captive? With corpses of past kills? How did she go to the bathroom? Tend to her 'personal' needs when aunt flow arrived?
6. How does Jason have the electricity to power his underground tunnels? If you say he stole the kerosene, then...
7. Why kill the guy NOW because apparently you've been stealing his kerosene from him for awhile. If Jason has been taking his kerosene from him for some time, why does he feel the need to kill him now?
8. It's obvious Trent and his parents have been to the lake house before and have even been on the lake itself (due to the existence of Trent's boat), so why does Jason feel the need to kill them now? Why not before when they first built the house and first went on the lake?
9. Why so much feakin' nudity? I mean, yes the originals had some, but not nearly as much as this, it was seriously ridiculous. I came to watch a Friday the 13th film, not porn.
10. That opening scene with Jason's mother was just awful, enough said. Why couldn't they just use footage from the original F13th film and just recycle it here?
11. How do those two guys towards the beginning know about the weed? If they've been there before and actually planted it, then why didn't Jason kill them off then? Why now?
12. Since the cop knows the guy who's looking for his sister already by name, then you'd think he would have been up and down that area posting his sign of 'Missing Woman' awhile ago, not a month and a half later.
13. Jason is freakin' amazing at archery. Hitting a guy in a speeding boat at least a couple of hundred yards away directly between the eyes, what accuracy! I guess he practices archery in his spare time too!
14. Why in the hell would you go looking for your friend who's supposed to be back already in a creepy tool shed ....alone...with a stupid frying pan as your only defense? Hello man, he's dead.
15. Has any guy felt the need to just all of a sudden masturbate in a friends' lake house (in a living room in front of huge not-covered-up windows at that) while said friends could just come through the door and catch you at any time?!?! He was even expecting his Asian friend to come right back from the tool shed too. I mean seriously, that scene was just so out of no where and this movie could have done without it.
16. You call the police and report there's been multiple murders with the psycho murderer on the loose, and the department sends one lone cop.
17. After Jason shoves your face into 2 bus windows, you come out with only a scratch on a cheek - amazing.
18. No crazy Ralph??!? How can they not have him in the movie?!!!?
And now to flip that shit: 15 reasons why horrorfreak912 loved it
1) The acting was the best we've seen in a Friday film Jared, Danielle, and Amanda did good in the leading roles, which is all that really mattered to me.
2) The death scenes were neat. Some creative ones, some shocking ones.
3) They kept the gore to a minimum.
4) Some of the characters were likable, and when they died, i actually cared (Jenna, Chewie, all of the four opening ones).
5) Jason was *beep* scary again!
6) It had some nice comedic moments.
7) Danielle Panabaker.
8) Some tense moments (the tunnel scene and canoe scene)
9) Jason took a hostage
10) Nice homages to previous friday films (The wheelchair, Whitney pretending to be mama V)
11) The audience i saw it with was really into it. **is that a good sign????***
12) The cinemetagrophy was nice. *hahhahahhahahhahahahhahah*
13) The final scare made me jump. *And what was that??? The notion that Michael Scott Bay-o is remaking Nightmare on Elm street?*
14) The opening was crazy!
15) Jason with the sack was crazy. And so is Whitney off crack!
I have to go water ski while the Hives is just blaring outta nowhere.
pCe
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